No seog efil

6 02 2001

Me: I haven’t the slightest clue about why I’d be writing to you. Especially after all this time and especially since I don’t hold you in any high regard whatsoever. Maybe I’m finally coming to terms with what happened. Maybe I’m just realizing that those events shouldn’t be making such an impact on my life right now. Maybe I’m just learning to let the whole thing go. Maybe I feel that this is the right time to start writing to you again. I guess one could say that we were friends once. That I help you up in some sort of awe at one past time. I guess I would be accurate in saying that because of numerous incidents, instigated by both myself and yourself (yes, I actually got around to remembering the notebooks after many years of repression… 9 to be exact) my life has been altered…. (I’ve forgotten what I was supposed to write there). Maybe I should forgive and forget. Maybe I am supposed to write to you. I don’t know. I can’t go what iffing my whole life. It’s not right. I’ll put this one What If to rest and finish this up. ~C

Him:

Hello, Corinne,

It was good to hear from you. I apologize for my delay in responding. In all honesty, I had initially decided not to respond, because the unnecessary posturing in your second sentence “Especially after all this time and especially since I don’t hold you in any high regard whatsoever” was more that slightly rude. But, eventually, I read the rest of the email and realized that the rest of your message was going to be more than just petty insults.

It took a lot of courage to write to me after all this time, but I’m glad you did. Whether or not you decide to forgive me is out of hands, although I WISH I could play some part in the decision. That choice is ultimately yours, and as I have said before, I respect whatever decision you choose to make, whichever way it might go. And though I won’t impose on you and actively ask for your forgiveness, I do offer, and have offered my apology to you for acceptance.

Please understand that… (*sigh*) (*trying to find the right words*) I didn’t think about consequences for you down the road. Hell, I didn’t even realize I was doing something wrong back then. As far as I knew, I was very interested in you, and I thought you were interested in me, and I just thought we were experimenting around. And had you not written me that angry email four years ago, I never would have even known. I had always, previously, recalled those incidents as the kind of childhood hijinx that you look back and smile in its absurdity. I honestly didn’t realize that you didn’t feel the same way. Call it idealism or naivete, whichever you feel.

In either case, I’ve never stopped caring about you as a friend, and it saddened me when you didn’t accept my explanation last year (or was it two years ago?). Last you had said that things were going well for you at Choate (?) which made me feel better. By now, you’re probably off at college, having a great time. 🙂

And should you choose not to speak to me again, which is of course, your prerogative, I’ll just leave you with a brief snapshot of what I’ve been up to, should your morbid curiosity prevail. 🙂 I just graduated from Cornell, one semester early, in Genetics cum laude. I’ve said goodbye to some of the people and organizations I’ve held most dear and am now on Long Island, preparting to move to Queens, with my mother, as I start working for the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner in Manhatten, in March. I’ll be little more than a glorified lab grunt for the next year, and then hopefully on to Grad School fro a PhD (which, regardless of it’s official name, actually stands for “Piled high and deep.”)

In the meantime, whatever your decision, I wish you the very best, Corinne. Your friendship throughout LISG (incident in question notwithstanding), helped to make those last two arduous years much easier. Whatever your opinion of me nowadays, I hope that at least some of those smiles of yours way back when were possibly because of me, and not just in spite of me.

Warm wishes,

Jonathan


Me: I was never really known for my tact. More like, I am more well-known for my lack of tact. Hence, the second sentence. But I don’t feel that I should hide any emotions from you: what I have felt, what I may feel, what I do feel. I hope you understand that much. I’m not incredibly sorry for typing out that second sentence because it is what I do feel. Whether or not it will be what I may feel later — that is up in the air. I’m almost eighteen and a half today (Feb 11th, to be exact) and it pretty much goes without saying that I have grown up both emotionally and mentally. I should be past the stages of petty insults. I think I am quite above the petty insult emails of (yes, you were right) 4 years ago. Amazing what sense a few years of boarding school can knock into a person. Good for me, right? Like so many of my other shortcomings of before, I’m willing to accept apologies and forget (somewhat) things that have been done, and obviously cannot be changed. I’m willing to move on and make my peace (note: this is NOT saying forgiveness) with you, which is awfully big of me, considering all the piles of accusatory tones I put into that email my soph year at Choate. In all honesty, 9 years after the fact (or 7 years, if you want to get all technical about it) I’m honestly confused about what to think of those experiences/incidents. I had felt betrayed, robbed, …etc… so on and so forth some time in high school (what a nervous breakdown THAT was!) (no, I’m not laughing or looking back fondly… it was just a side thought). I think it was some sort of taboo fun whilst it happened. Now, I’m mainly indifferent, which is most likely what prompted me to write you. That and I was tired of what iffing myself to the Kuiper Belt (remember that?) and back about what would happen if I didn’t do anything. Probably nothing, on my part — but some little part of me was telling me that you weren’t looking at those incidents in quite the negative way I was viewing them. I figured, what the hell, I’ll let him know what my stand is. Glad to see you wrote back. It makes transition from negative to neutral (possibility of positive back in there somewhere) that much easier. I do recall being friends at one point or another.

Note: your explanation via email arrived in my emailbox 4 years ago. Not two. And most certainly not one.

And since, obviously, I’ve decided to take up the challenge of actually communicating with you once again, I might as well fill you in on what I’ve been up to. From circa my graduation from LISG (June 13, 1997) to the present (February 6, 2001)… {I know how banal it is all four years… but that’s about the time we pretty much lost all lines of communication… I feel I owe you that much… not OWE… but I can’t think of the word}

Okay, I graduated on Friday the 13th from LISG. Big whoop. I went to my last session of CTY at Hamilton College… where little did I know I’d meet a lot of current and soon to be Choaties (there were PLENTY, I never realized). That August I did a month long stint for high schoolers at the Brookhaven National Laboratory. Yay. SCUBA diving around 7a in Lake Ronkonkoma. The fish were so drab, and the water so damn cold. That September, I started my soph year of HS at Choate. That October, I broke down and went all hating you and whatnot. Soph year came and went. So did junior year. And senior year for that matter. Great place, boarding school was. Which brings me to August 2000. I entered as a first year at William Smith College, part of Hobart and William Smith Colleges, Geneva, NY. I think it’s about an hour north of Ithaca. Northern tip of Seneca Lake (gorgeous view, I might add). I’ve survived my first semester. Also just survived the first two weeks of my second semester. I have decided on being a Biology major and a Music minor. I’ve become heavily entrenched in the vocal aspect of music. So that was my life in four years, in a tiny (what’s a small nut?) peanut shell. (small enough)

In reference to your last paragraph, concerning the smiles… I’m sure that some of them were caused by your personality — not in spite of. Besides, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what being in spite of meant.

I guess, I expect you to write back now — since I’ve written a rather hefty reply. And I suppose that this is now a step in a healing direction. Whatever the direction, I do expect a reply (I’m known for my lack of tact, my confidence, and my demands… *i know there’s a word for that, but it’s midnight I don’t remember*)

~Corinne


while, life certainly does go on…. this is certainly a part of it i wish to keep tabs on… because it seems like my life is finally moving forward with, instead of around those two years. i’m mending!!!! yay! now i’ve got to go to damn bio lecture.

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