The best way to act drunk

Is to imagine that you’re a drunk trying so VERY hard to be sober.

Slowly enunciating every word, deliberating before every well-thought out sentence, placing your feet ‘just so’ on the floor so you will ensure avoiding every instance of falling over drunkenly…

Anyone can be a sloppy drunk. But the nuances to acting sober while drunk off your ass? Priceless.

Psst. Justin — this was PARTLY inspired by your hangover post — but not completely.

My sense of entitlement has been humbled

Especially after reading this article.

Shout outs.

Boyfriend is annoyed that I didn’t mention him.

I hung out with boyfriend today — say hi, boyfriend. We went to the bank (first his bank, then my own bank), then Dunkin Donuts. I had what was supposedly a Reese’s peanut butter donut — which was sadly lacking in the peanut butter department and an iced coffee. Caffeine still hasn’t kicked in yet.  I don’t think it will, at this rate. I think he had an iced coffee (caffeine — where are you?) and a reduced fat blueberry muffin. After Dunkin Donuts, we went tanning. His pedigree is very pale, so I’m mostly mystified as how he could possible end up darker than me. Me, of Malay descent. He’s all glowy tan — and I’m so not. And sorry, boyfriend, I blew your cover as someone who only tans when they go out running. Then we stopped by Kmart, and picked up a few summer essentials, like a blender, and ankle socks. For him. Not for me. Under those fluorescent Kmart lights — it was so obvious how not tan I am.

Lesson? I don’t burn easily. Nor do I tan easily.

Also, it was significantly sunnier when we started hanging out. Now it’s just kinda bleh and cloudy. /shakes fist/

Feelin the burn…

In more ways than one. Looks like my inactive season seems to be over. Not really bowing down towards the cardboard health food (minus the fake milk)… Started in on the Pilates/crunch blend I seem to always gravitate towards. I made it through about five minutes. Most of you will scoff at that. But .. I don’t really want to kill my insides. It’s not like I don’t have muscle underneath there (I really do. I saw it last summer)… just that my layer of blubber is jiggling over it. I’m not fat fat. But I do recognize the possible appearance of a seriously unbecoming muffin top. Unacceptable.

Two pack — here I come! (Laugh all you want)

Oh yeah, and going tanning today. Just to say I did. I’m feeling very internet-geeky-pale. Geekette though I may be, I try not to look it too much. The massive glasses never help. 😉

Books are our gateway (or Genital Euphemisms)

And yet… they’re censoring what they show to kids… There’s a difference between sheltering them from the truly offensive and the proper and correct. After my humorous post earlier, here’s the meat of the problem.

Author Susan Patron [wiki] won a Newberry Award [wiki] for her book ‘The Higher Power of Lucky’. The controversy sprouted when one of the lines read: when he saw a rattlesnake on the passenger seat biting his dog, Roy, on the scrotum.

There it is. The highly offensive word. The scientifically correct term for the flesh pouch where the testes sit. Look in an anatomy text. It says scrotum.

“Somehow,” Patron said, “there’s a perception in America that you can put your kids in front of the TV, let them play certain kinds of games and expose them to absolutely atrocious levels of violence and language. But somehow the book is sacred. And especially the Newbery winner.”

Personally, I was watching things like “The Benny Hill Show”[wiki] and “Are You Being Served?”[wiki] when I was 3 or 4 years old. It was funny. It’s pretty risque, but when you’re that young? You really don’t know all the sexual connotations associated with humor like that. And it’s not even like Patron’s book was intentionally offensive.

Using euphemisms for genitalia is just going to create more problems in the long run. See the below example concerning The Vagina Monologues [wiki]:

In Florida, a theatre performing The Vagina Monologues was pressured into changing the title on the marquee, because the protesters were evidently unprepared to explain to their children what a “vagina” was when the little tykes read it in passing. The solution? For about two days, the marquee read “The Hoohaa Monologues.” Not only does this contradict the entire idea behind The Vagina Monologues—that is, that society should be more open about talking about vaginas—but it doesn’t even solve the problem.

Children are still going to ask what a “hoohaa” is, and I imagine the parental talk that ensues will be even more embarrassing, because “hoohaa” is to “vagina” what “hooters” is to “breasts.” Hooha is a childish, funny-sounding, misogynistic euphemism for a female body part that basically tells girls that their genitalia is too weird or dirty or gross to talk about properly in public.

No matter what you do. Kids are going to grow up. Kids are going to come up against the real words for anatomical parts. And then they’ll see how ridiculous this whole thing was in the first place.

Furburger, anyone?

The title seems even more ridiculous and laughter-inducing than ‘nutsack’. So basically, saying the anatomically correct words such as ‘scrotum’ or ‘vagina’ is more offensive than saying ‘nutsack’ and ‘furburger’.

So if any of these kids go on to medical school — it’d still be a sin to say ‘vagina’, ‘penis’, ‘scrotum’, or ‘anus’.

Ridiculous.

“Children are comfortable from an early age with a wide variety of nuts. Sacks are merely pouches for toting. Peanuts in a sack, for example, are as American as juicy wieners in big fluffy buns.”

Patron also agreed to make changes to her newest book slated for publication this Fall. “Virginia’s Vagina” will now feature a renaming of the protagonist and be titled “Felicity’s Furburger”.

Foodie post!

Because I am woefully inadequate at writing one myself. I leave it to Miss Beancurd to provide all the mouthwatering details.

Guiradelco. A little place with excellent food that you wouldn’t know was there unless you’ve been there before.

High degree myopia

I just got back from the opthalmologist. Haven’t been back to see him since Nov 05. So saying I was overdue was a bit of an understatement. Over the last 5 years, I’ve been relatively used to him saying that I needed a weaker prescription for my glasses/contacts or I had little to no change at all. For someone who has had to deal with corrective lenses since the age of 5 — this is huge news.

Glasses changed. Contacts changed, and I’m not talking a little bit. I’m talking a lot bit.

Like so bad, they don’t even MAKE colored contacts in my size. I was really looking forward to green lenses too. On the smallish upside, I didn’t hear a thing about astigmatism this time. Yay.

I’ve known for the last… 5-7 years that LASIK isn’t even an option for me. That’s bad. Like that’s kind of depressing bad. Sure, they make cute looking frames now. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m insanely jealous of those without glasses. Those without the need for contacts. Those who can just go out and purchase colored contacts on a whim because they just felt like changing or enhancing the color of their eyes. The ones who can get funky frames because they don’t have to get lenses that look like they weigh a pound. People who can drop a couple thousand (or less) on a quick procedure that can have them seeing perfectly in seemingly no time at all.

It doesn’t look like I’m ever going to have that option of getting BETTER. Perfect vision … permanent 20/20 vision without corrective lenses?

Ha. In my dreams. And even then — if I’m not wearing contacts or glasses in my dreams? I still can’t effing see.

It’s not pretty when a web server cries…

Possibly one of the best/amusing/funniest/…depressing? 404-Page-Not-Found pages ever.

I could watch this thing go on for MINUTES.

What sells a relationship?

Given the industry that I work in (Internet/Interactive), I probably spend much more time perusing my ‘blog stats’ more than the average WordPress user.

I’ve noticed the blatantly obvious fact that if you include a series entitled ‘Sex’ somewhere in the blog — it’s going to get you noticed. Especially if you have some sort of thought-provoking or laughter-inducing posts like my suggestive advertising ones. For some time, I was on the first page for Google for the search term (keyword, for all those in the know) ‘suggestive advertising’ and ‘sex sells’.

So, sex sells for working a highly searched term into one’s blog in order to get traffic… Obviously my angle for this blog has been altered slightly, and instead of talking about sex … I’m talking relationships. Like every other post. I’m getting a bit sick of it… but nevertheless, here’s my newest question.

Physical attraction. Usually what starts a relationship, right? You kind of have to want to kiss the person you start a relationship with. Thus delineating the borders between friends and friends with benefits. Or fuckbuddy and acquaintance. Okay, so maybe kissing wasn’t a good example. What about wanting to be sans clothing with this other person?

So then, what defines moving from a friendship to a relationship? Personally, there was the proof of the guy wanting to protect me. Even when it’s something so banal as seemingly protecting me from his over-friendly yellow Lab (hey, it worked. Neither of us are complaining).

What sold you onto a relationship?